Kutty Papa

Sudarshan and I are expecting a “kutty papa” in June 2011. :D

I am currently doing very well and am on cloud nine as is to be expected! Perhaps it is all the pregnancy hormones – or perhaps it is something else, but I am realllyyy happy at present!

Sudarshan and I ask each other all sorts of questions from “Will we be good parents?” to “Public school or Private?” Sudarshan thinks I should be the one to yell at them while he gets to be the good cop. We will see about that!

Every time I hear our baby’s heartbeat or see a few fuzzy images on a screen, I start crying. Sudarshan laughs and won’t stop talking about it for the rest of the day.

Just the news of a little one on the way has bought so much happiness not only to us, but also to the lives of all those around us. First grand-child, and first great grand child on both sides!

I am getting pampered from all sides! I could get used to this! :P

My Bucket List

With the changes happening in my life now, I can't think of a better time to come up with a bucket list.

I am a "list" person. I like ticking things off. Here is my list of things I would like to do before kicking the bucket...

Something to work towards...

Even if I can just tick off 7-8 things from the list below, I beleive I would die knowing my life wasn't a complete waste

1) See the Pyramids
2) Stay in Avalur for Navaratri
3) Visit the Himalayas
4) Visit Ankhor Wat
5) Go on a cruise to Fiji
6) Visit Antarctica
7) Learn to cycle
8) Learn to swim
9) Learn Telugu
10) Make a complete Family tree
11) Visit Tasmania
12) Fly Business / First Class
13) Go Bungee Jumping
14) Teach children in 3rd world country
15) Learn First aid
16) Learn sign language
17) Become the master of my emotions
18) Learn to love without expectations

Amma's arrival

I feel like writing today. I don’t have anything to really say so I don’t know what this post is going to be about.

Sudarshan’s mom is coming from India today. She will be with us for the next four months or so. I am really excited! It will be nice to have someone else at home and it will be particularly nice for Sudarshan. Our house feels very empty at present!

My mom has always had her in-laws with her. For the first time in her life, she is now spending time alone with my dad. It is a little bit bizarre for her – and more than a bit bizarre for my grandmother (dad's mom)! The concept is so very novel to both of them! When my mom decided to go to Singapore to be with my dad, she said to me, "Your grandmother has lived without you guys and without your dad. She has never lived without me - I don't know if she will cope."

People don't live in extended families "these days". When I mentioned my mother-in-law’s arrival and duration of stay to people at work, the most common response I got is, “How are you going to cope?” A lot of people seem to feel like this is an invasion to our privacy or like someone else is entering our personal space. I guess we have all started living in our own little worlds and don’t exactly like letting others into it – even close family. I want my kids to grow up with their grandparents like Sudarshan and I grew up with ours...

I have probably said this before, to me, marriage is not between two people, but between two families. Marriage makes you a better person – it teaches you to adjust to other people’s ways and teaches you how to give unconditionally.

I have learnt that when I say “I am willing to change my ways and accept yours”, I am actually gaining a lot more than I am giving.

I know so many people who will disagree with the above. It is not exactly a “modern” concept, but it is one that sits well with my ideals and I guess my personality too.

My rant ends here.

“Only a life lived for others is worth living.” – A. Einstein.

Election 2010

What an interesting and slightly outrageous election! No majority, massive swing against Labor, 12% of votes go to the Greens... My! How different to “Kevin ‘07”!

This has been my problem with the election this year – I really did not know whom to vote for. There has been no talk of policy – and the policies that were mentioned were so trivial and insulting to one’s intelligence, that I felt like I had to choose the best of the worst. Watching this election campaign was like watching contestants on a reality TV show. Totally uninspiring and quite honestly - sickening!

Politics has become (always been?) a popularity contest. No politician is standing up for what they actually believe in and what they would actually do for the country. The same non-issues are debated terribly using the same catc phrases and as a result, the real issues are ignored completely! AARRGGHH!!! Thalai-a pichikalaam polla irukku! I am just sick and tired of being treated like an ignorant fool. I not only want to hear what a politician proposes to do, but also how they plan to do it. All this wishy-washy talk during which no real message is conveyed is driving me insane!

This is probably wishful thinking, but I am hoping that this election will mean two things – 1) more education about our political system and 2) debates and discussions about policies that actually matter.

a little story... a massive realisation

I heard this story several years ago. I think I realised some of it's true import only this morning!

Sage Narada was afflicted by an inflated ego one day. He started to think that he was perhaps the greatest devotee of Lord Narayana and that no one in the three worlds came close, for he always had the Lord’s name at the tip of his tongue and he started nor finished anything without taking the Lord’s name.

In order to hear this from the Lord himself, the Sage approached the Lord and asked, “Narayana! Oh Lord! Who in the three world’s is your greatest devotee?”.

Realising that Naradha’s ego was getting the better of him, the Lord said, “I would like you to spend a day with the man who is my greatest devotee.”

The Sage was taken slightly aback and said, “Where is this man?”

The Lord then pointed to a farmer on earth and said, “He is my greatest devotee”.

Narada was extremely curious to know what it was that this farmer was doing that had given him the title of “greatest devotee” - a title which he felt should really have belonged to him.

Duly, Sage Naradha descended from the heaven and decided to watch what it was that this farmer was doing that set him apart.

The Farmer woke before dawn, he then said, “Om Namo Narayana” three times then continued with his daily tasks. He went out to the fields, worked tirelessly. He ate, he spent the day doing all his duties and after a very busy day (during which he did not even mention the Lord’s name once!) he came back home. Before retiring to sleep, once again, he recited the Lord’s name three times and fell asleep.

Seeing this, the sage felt that the Lord was indeed joking. He was rather flustered, for the Sage always had the Lord’s name at the tip of his tongue while the farmer only thought of the Lord twice in an entire day! He approached the Lord Narayana who looked at him and smiled. Knowing what was going through the sage’s head, the Lord said, “Did you see my greatest devotee? Do you not agree that he is my greatest devotee?”

The sage was quite annoyed now and said, “I do not understand how someone who only takes your name twice a day can be your greatest devotee! I am forever reciting your name and am forever thinking of you!”

Lord Narayana then said, “I see your point. However, let me ask you to do a small task for me.” Saying this, the Lord gave the sage a small cup filled to the brim with oil. The Lord then said, “Take this cup around the three worlds, but you must ensure that not a drop of oil spills.”

Seeing this as an opportunity to redeem his title, the sage took the cup and slowly walked around the three worlds.

After travelling around the three worlds, the sage returned. He had not spilt a single drop of oil. The cup was as full as it had been when the Lord had given it to him.

The sage looked at the Lord and said, “I have done as you asked! Surely I am your greatest devotee?”

To this, the Lord said, “So, during your trip around the three worlds how many times did you utter my name?”

The sage hung his head in shame, for he had been concentrating on not spilling the oil and as a result he had forgotten about the Lord.

The Lord then said, “You are a sage – you have nothing to tie you to any of the worlds. You are bound to no one. That farmer is a part of the world. He has many duties which he must do each day – much like carrying a cup of oil around without spilling a single drop. Despite that, he thinks of me before he starts his duties for the day and thanks me at the end of the day. That is why he is my greatest devotee.”

I was thinking of that story today. The smallest of gestures - done in sincerety beat the greatest of feats done purely to impress!

Search for Contentment

“"... all the sorrow and trouble of this world is caused by unhappy people. Not only in the big global Hitler-'n'-Stalin picture, but also on the smallest personal level. Even in my own life, I can see exactly where my episodes of unhappiness have brought suffering or distress or (at the very least) inconvenience to those around me. The search for contentment is, therefore, not merely a self-preserving and self-benefiting act, but also a generous gift to the world. Clearing out all your misery gets you out of the way. You cease being an obstacle, not only to yourself but to anyone else. Only then are you free to serve and enjoy other people."

— Elizabeth Gilbert in “Eat, Pray, Love”

People often do things more for others than themselves. When you constantly live to please others, at one point you start to lose yourself. You become defined by your actions towards others rather than your own regard for yourself. For example, you become the person who “can’t refuse”, rather than the person, who “won’t refuse”.

The more worrying thing about the above is that at a certain stage “self-sacrifice” starts appealing to you. With time, you start associating your unhappiness with the happiness of others.

When written in plain view as done above, it makes me see just how wrong, stupid and utterly disrespectful (to the "others") it is to think that. I have fallen into the above trap many times and have surely seen some of the people that I love most also trip.

I am reminded yet again that you need to love yourself before you can love the world.

Sleep Talking

I have been told by many people that I often talk in my sleep. I remember a few years ago when I was visiting Mumbai my dad told me that I sounded like I was arguing with someone in my sleep. My dad said, "Even while sleeping you don't shut up!"

My husband often tells me that I talk in my sleep. I apparently say all sorts of things. I also answer questions that are placed before me - and that is probably why I can't hide anything from my husband!

However, most of the time I just make a bunch of sounds that don't really make sense.

I guess I am a deep sleeper - if I am crying in my dreams, I wake up crying. Similarly, if I am laughing, I actually start laughing and this apparently is most disconcerting. I can just imaginge Sudarshan fast asleep and suddenly he is woken up to the sound of an eerie laugh...I wish I could see it! Most of the time, it is all fairly harmless. I think I just say out loud the things I am saying in my dreams.

I have just been reading up on sleep talking and there really doesn't seem to be that much information out there about it. As I don't drink or do drugs :O :O, I am not really sure why I sleep talk. Maybe I should see a psychologist - or maybe I should see one for being an hypochondriac!

I have been rather restless the last few nights so I am fairly certain that I have been tossing and turning and mumbling random things.

Two nights ago it turns out that rather than "talking" I have actually been "singing" in my sleep. Sudarshan found it hilarious and has been pointing it out and laughing at me every chance he gets! Apparently there were no words, I just kept going "Na nna na nnaa nana" for a few minutes, before going "back to sleep".

Yesterday happened to be a rather warm night but it did get quite chilly in the morning. Sudarshan was hogging the quilt so I said , "You have the whole quilt! I have nothing" then waited for him to give me the quilt. He seemed to be fast asleep so I had to yank it from him. I then went back to sleep.

This morning, Sudarshan got up and said, "You were talking in your sleep again!". I am always curious to what I could have said and when I asked him he said, "You said, something like 'You have the quilt. I have nothing.' What a wierd thing to say ayy?".

Sigh.