Honesty and Faith

I have often thought , "Wouldn't it be great if everyone was HONEST for just one day?". I don't mean honest like handing in that $10 note you find on public transport or telling your parents where you REALLY went. I don't even mean things like telling people what you think without any inhibitions. I mean an honesty that goes even deeper than that. To be honest with yourself to that degree where you can actually see inside yourself - see the REAL you. I was thinking that last night when I said to myself, "Are YOU being honest with YOURSELF?". It is always best to ask yourself somethings before blaming others...

I thought about that some more. There are so many times in a day when I think that I am walking around with a mask. This is not to say that I am being superficial. This is about being dishonest without realising that you are being dishonest. It is when you put on that mask but don't realise that you have it on. So much so, that the mask and you become one and you are stuck in a position where you can no longer differentiate between the two.

I often think about just how honest I am being with myself. It scares me. I often see that I am not perfect. I do alot of "dishonest" things. I will ask myself to laugh when I had rather cry. I will cry when I know that it is no big deal. I will yell at someone I love and I will be friendly with a perfect stranger. I will tell myself that nothing is the matter even when I know that something is. I fool myself constantly.

People can know me for years without knowing a thing about me - and that is the case with alot of people in today's world. I have known people for years - and yet, I know I don't know them at all. I don't think there is one other person in this whole world who I TRULY know. It is not a stark realisation as such either. Even those people that I truly love, I know that I will never really know them. I know a lot of things about them - like their favourite colour, their topics of interests, what makes them tick and can even predict how they will react in a particular situation. Yet, I will never know exactly what they are thinking or feeling on the inside.

Those people who are truly honest with themselves (and I beleive that they do exist), are those with FAITH. Whether it be faith in GOD, themselves, or someone or something else, it is about having something to beleive in. Something to live for and live by. When you lose that faith, or when that faith is shaken, that is when you lose yourself.

As a child I was raised to pray for only one thing - "to have the courage to always do what is right". With time, the true meaning of that prayer was lost, but today I pray for that - honestly.

I remember...

I remember...

... telephones with the round dials - where did they all go??? It used to take soooo long to dial international numbers!

... our first microwave - and how we only ever used it to make papadums!

... monochrome computers.

... watches with lights - you had to press the button soooo hard to get it to light up and then the button would go INTO the watch (because you would press it so hard) and the light would light up at random intervals or only on one corner.

... my dad's pager

... when "white goods" used to come in all sorts of colours

... a computer without a mouse

... Encyclopedia Britannica and being addicted to "Mind Maze".

... Tetris

... when TV was only broadcast for a few hours each day!

... drawing on Microsoft Paint.

... MS DOS and having to type in "C:/win" or something like that to get it to start.

... tape drives.

... an antenna that used to sit on top of our TV - which we had to adjust constantly to be able to see anything!

... being on dial-up internet. I remember the dial-up tone and how it would NEVER connect first-go. I used to HATE that!

... hand-held scanners that could only scan black & white pictures

... video-head cleaners - I remember the liquid you had to place in that tiny hole on the tape and you could never really tell if you had added enough or not! It used to smell wierd!

... using the "auto-tracking" function on the video player so we could watch all the pirated videos that would get to Fiji a few months after their release in India.

... wanting a mobile phone that would let me compose my own ring tones. That was all I wanted in a phone!

... playing "Snake" and getting REALLLY good at it on that same mobile phone. I am surprised I didn't get arthiritis in my thunbs from that!

... audio cassettes - and how they would get tangled in your radio and you would have to pull it all out and twist the little circle thing with your fingers (that used to hurt!) till all the tape went back inside - only to realise that the tape had reversed/flipped itself at some stage and so you had to undo it again and re-rewind it!

... taping from the radio to an audio tape! You would ask everyone to be REALLLLYY quiet but there was always someone who coughed so you were doomed to listen to your favourite song with an ill-placed cough. "Enna paaduvathu? *achuu* Enna Paaduvathu? Paatelaam ennaku paada theriyaadhu..*aachuuuu*..."

... sending hand-written letters. E-mails will never replace the joy of writing and reading a hand-written letter!

Most of the above things are not that old and are still around - but it is amazing how quickly some of the above became extinct from my day-to-day life. I refuse to watch video tapes or use dial-up internet anymore. Such small comforts are so easy to get used to! I often think about just how materialistic I REALLY am...

Comment of the day: "Do you even do anything any more???" - Rama. I think I have been so happy and relaxed over the last few months that it may actually be causing some concern! :P

52 Things You Never Needed to Know About Me...

(From Natasha's Blog)

1. First name? Vidya Lakshmi / Gayathri
2. Were you named after anyone? Both were after the Goddesses
3. When did you last cry? Hmmm... a couple of nights ago...
4. Do you like your handwriting? Most of the time. I am usually neat! I wish I could write cursive though!
5. What is your favorite lunchmeat? MEAT??? ME??? :O
6. Kids? I like kids...
7.If you were another person would you be friends with you? Nope. I would be too scared to approach me...
8. Do you have a journal? Yep! I don't write it in it that much anymore...although I probably should!
10. Do you still have your tonsils? Yep! *sticks hand in mouth* - Still there!
11. Would you bungee jump? Would love to!
12. What is your favorite cereal? Not too heavy, not too light - it's Kellogs Just Right!
13. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Nope... too much work!
14. Do you think you are strong? Sometimes...I think I come across as a weakling though
15. What is your favorite ice cream? Chocolate!
17. Red or pink? Baby Pink
18. What is the least favorite thing about yourself? I can be selfish...
19. Who do you miss the most? My dad at the moment :'(
20. Do you want everyone to do this list as well? It would be nice if you all could!
21. What color pants and shoes are you wearing? Blue-faded jeans
22. Last thing you ate? A bite of puri that I snatched from my grandma's plate!
23. What are you listening to right now? My brother talking to a friend as they try to getsome simulation to work.
24. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Red or blues - cuz they are often the only colours that work!
25. Favorite smell? Keroooseene!!
26. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? I think it was Natasha!
27. First thing you notice about people? Eyebrows and noses...
28. Do you like the person whose blog you got this from? Got it from Tash - so I guess that is a "yes".
29. Favorite drink? Mango Lassi.... yummmm
30. Favorite sport? To watch - Cricket.To play? NOTHING!
31. Hair color? Black
32. Eye color? Brown
33. Do you wear contacts? I have tried... I am not very good at keeping them on for long periods of time though!
34. Favorite food? Thechi mammu!
35. Scary movies or happy ending? Happy ending! Who would choose scary movies???
36. Last movie you watched? "Crash" - that was good!
37. What color shirt are you wearing? Black
38. Summer or winter? Winter!!!!!!
39. Hugs or kisses? Hugs
40. Favorite dessert? Anything sweet with no egg and gelatine. Preferably NOT a Fruit!
41. Who is most likely to respond? Noone!
42. Least likely to respond? Everyone!
43. What books are you reading? "Amrita", "The complete Short Stories of Hercule Poirot", "The colour of Magic", "Mr. Sampath", "God, Demons and Others"... I think that is it at the moment...
44. What's on your mouse pad? Don't use a mouse pad.... but I do have a free Sydney Uni Post-graduate one that I could use...
45. What did you watch last night on TV? "Australia's Brainiest Comedian"
46. Favorite sounds? I like things to be quite most of the time...
47. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Beatles ofcourse!
48. The furthest you've been from home? Sweden!
50. When and where were you born? 30th Oct, 1983. In some government hospital in Tirupati, AP, India.
51. What condition are your hands and feet in? They aren't too bad - my nails could do with some work!
52. Who is your favorite author? Dickens and Austen. This particular answer is prone to constant change...

Buying Time...

I was having trouble sleeping last night despite feeling extremely tired and sick. I decided to read through my own journal to pass the time. I am not the type who writes in a journal everyday - my writing is more therapeutic I think.

Yesterday as I was reading it, I was quite shocked at just how much I have changed as a person. I was reading my journal entries from my time in Sweden and some of the things I had written in there made me feel like I was reading someone else's story - not mine! While my writing style in itself hasn't changed that much - I always write the way I talk, the way I view the world certainly has.

I was only 18 when I went to Sweden, and now when I think about it, I think how brave I was to do such a thing! At the time, I wasn't at all scared about things like living on my own, having to make friends, having to cook for myself or any of that. All I could think about at that time was "I have to leave this place now or I will go crazy". In one of my own entries I was talking about having to come back to "normal life" here in Australia and I was so afraid of how I would cope with all the different things that I was going through at that time. I always knew that Sweden would just be a way of pausing everything here and I hoped that my time away will help me see things more clearly.

For a very long time, I was ashamed of myself for, ironically - the cowardice in physically running away from all the things that were bothering me. Rather than thinking things through and sorting things, I felt like I had taken the easier option of simply hoping that if I left things to be for as long as they needed and for as long as I could afford, they will sort themselves out.

I now know (and probably deep down inside, I knew then) that no problem will sort itself out - but there is nothing wrong in buying time to reflect and act accordingly. Time doesn't heal any wounds - that is the biggest lie I have ever been told. I have come to learn that I will not feel differently about something just because a lot of time has passed. However, with time you can gather the strength and courage to either deal with the situation or - yourself, and I think they are the only two solutions to anything.

This is what most of my journal entries look like - perhaps they are a little less cryptic though!

BIIGG DAY!

UPDATE!!

I CLEANED MY CAR!!! I ended up cleaning the inside of my car on Sunday and today I FINALLY drove it to the car wash!!!!

You know, the last time I washed my car was 4 years ago! I am not kidding! I don't think I have washed my car once since the water restrcitions came into effect! I washed it once before I left for Sweden, and that was it!

How bad am I??? My car actually looks like it is a different colour! My car is not a "dull grey", rather it is a "shiny silver".

I cannot beleive that I have been able to put off washing my car for THAT long! I hereby grant myself the honorary title of "Procrastination Queen"! Even Mike Slackernerny could learn from me!


Today is a REALLLYY Big Day in my life. It is the kind of day that only comes around once a year - or maybe once every two years! I am going to CLEAN MY CAR!!!

Right after I am done writing this post, I am going to get rid of all the clothes that were supposed to have gone out to the needy weeks ago, then I am going to vaccuum the whole thing, get rid of old cassettes, tissues, bits of vegetables and fruits, other rotting bits of food, and finally take it down to the car wash!

I think not keeping my car clean is one of my most revolting habbits!

I am writing this down because a) it serves as procratination, b) so that I can mark down the exact date and time of this momentous occasion!

* BIIIG BREATH*... I am off to face my car!! Wish me luck!

(I will update this once more once I am done cleaning my car - just so that I don't cheat!)